So this is what I wrote about my first evening of class.
I walk gingerly over the icy snow and ascend the wide, steep concrete steps to the front door of Siena’s most majestic building; the one with the golden dome and the bell chimes that remind me every 15 minutes, over and over again, that time is fleeting.
I wanted to arrive early so I could explain myself to the Professor before she scanned the class and noticed an old woman sitting at one of her student’s desks. I imagined she would assume there had been some type of misunderstanding. I could even hear her say to me, Can I help you? Are you looking for someone? As I walk down the hall I’m feeling completely intimated and I start to question myself, why, in God’s name, did ever decide to do this in the first place?
Actually, this is not the first time I’m taking advantage of one of the few beneficial things about aging, i.e., the ability to audit a college course for next to nothing. And, it seems all the more valuable to me after I read the Siena College Catalogue and notice that the younger “regular” students are paying a small fortune for the same information. But, honestly I’d be glad to pay the fifteen hundred dollars if it meant I could be 20 years old again. What Senior Citizen wouldn’t trade places in a heartbeat?
Because I audited a course last semester, one aspect of my anxiety is already resolved; I know exactly where to find Room 105. Last summer, while attending an evening program at the Delmar Library presented by a local Peace Activist Group, I left my e-mail address on a sheet of paper at the back of the room. Shortly afterwards I received an e-mail regarding a course, Peace Building though the Arts, being offered at Siena College in the Fall. Although it sounded intriguing, it was a three credit course and at $500 per credit, it was way over my budget. Just as I was about to press the delete key I noticed some small print, for those over 62 the course fee will be waived. Holy Cow, this is fantastic, I think and before you know it I’m all signed up and ready to go. On the first night of that course, the anxiety I felt about my age was quickly resolved when I entered the classroom and saw a bunch of enthusiastic -looking gray-haired old ladies sitting there. There were so many of them in fact that it was the young kids that looked out of place.
So you see, even though last semester’s course was held in the same building, on the same floor and directly across the hall from this classroom, in my mind the experiences are light years apart. I know that this year I will stand alone. I will be the only one with graying hair, sagging breasts, gnarled fingers and wrinkled skin.
I see 105 written on the sign outside the door. Before I enter I notice that the classroom is already filled with students. I swallow hard, take a deep breath and walk through the open doorway to face a sea of youthful faces. As I enter, I’m thinking these kids must be wondering, who the heck is this old woman? I smile weakly and say Hi. Oh God, why did I do that, why did I say Hi, probably no one does that sort of thing anymore. Why didn’t you just keep your mouth shut? I walk quickly to the most easily accessible desk and lower myself into the seat. When I’m safely there, I decide I have to take control I realize it is high time I start playing some positive tapes. Oh God, Here I go again showing my age. Does anyone even use tapes anymore? OK, let’s call it a Pep Talk. I say to myself, Mary, you can do this. You didn’t get to be 65 years old without taking a few risks, without stepping out of your comfort zone once in awhile. Just put one foot in front of the other and propel yourself forward. Remember, you love to write. You have so many wonderful people you want to share, so many great stories to tell. You have a different perspective and you are looking at life from another vantage point. Don’t give up this opportunity. Learn. Contribute. Do your best. And know there is a reason you are here.
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