Make Things Better

In case you ‘re wondering why I haven’t had many Blog entries lately, Connor has been off from school this week and except for Monday, President’s Day, his Mom has had to work. Therefore, we have been watching Connor every day since then and it takes a lot of effort and energy to keep him occupied and stimulated. I worked full days on the Nursing Home Complaint Hotline on Tuesday and Thursday so Bob was Connor’s primary caregiver on those two days. Connor absolutely loves his Papa and visa versa. He can get Papa to do just about anything, sometimes much to my chagrin. They play typical “male” games such as horsy where Bob gets down on all fours and Connor rides on his back; pirate sword fights (using foam rubber swords- they each have their own sword) and gun fights using foam bullets (Diane swore Connor would never have a gun- I’m not sure what happened to that resolution). Their activities are typically loud and boisterous, and they can be rather nerve racking for the female bystander, i.e., me. Although Connor likes his “stay at home days” and we love having him with us, by the end of the day we typically do have not an ounce of energy left for anything else.

Yesterday we coaxed Connor to take a nap and we took a little rest along with him. We have a big king sized bed so the three of us can take a rest together. Typically Bob falls right to sleep (I guess he has a clear conscience), Connor fall asleep second after touching my face, holding my hand and wiggling around the bed for awhile. I lay there awake listening to Bob snore, Connor breath and the thoughts running through my head. I guess it still helps to lie still and rest even if I can’t fall asleep. Diane picked up Connor right after work; he was thrilled to see his Mommie and insisted he be brought home immediately.

At 6PM Bob & I went to our Church (Christ Our Light – our new cool name) for the first of this Lent’s Soup & Salad Suppers. In the car on the way over to church I realized that I was feeling rather depressed and anxious. When I arrived at the supper, someone I knew from church said kindly, “Hi, how are you doing”, and I immediately burst into tears. How embarrassing! I don’t like this trait about myself and I wish I had more control over it. When people are kind, it makes me cry even more – Why is that? When my body and spirit need to cry, the sorrow and tears well up and overflow like a broken dam. Bob looks over at me as if to say, now what? I guess after 38 years of marriage and a year and a half of dating, he knows how I am. I tried to get into the Ladies Room before too many people could see me in this deteriorated state. Even after I cry in the stall, blow my nose, clear away the tears and the redness from my eyes, take deep breaths and deliberately change my train of thought, I burst into tears again. Finally, after much effort, I am ready to exit the bathroom and come back to the supper. I get busy getting salads and bread and soda for my Dad and myself and this activity diverts my attention. I also pray that no one will approach me with too much kindness. Finally I am able to stop crying.

After the Supper, we go upstairs to the Church proper for a prayer service, and one of Fr. David’s marvelous homilies. Then we come forward to receive the cross of ashes on our foreheads as the minister says, “thou art dust and to dust thou shall return”. I don’t like this saying at all. A couple of years ago when I was one of these ministers, I was given the option of saying something like: “come back to me with all your heart” in place of the dust to dust statement. I chose this option in a heartbeat. Don’t we all know quite clearly that we are going to die – why rub it in. I thought it is all about living each moment to the fullest rather than wallowing in the mud. Nevertheless, Fr. Dave gave a wonderful message – he talked about relationships and developing a deeper relationship with God as the real purpose of Lent. He even stated that he wasn't "giving up" anything for Lent. Take some time to read and meditate and get to know God better. Make things better for yourself and for all the people around you. Love your neighbor as yourself. Now that is a philosophy I can relate to. I feel happier already. It makes me feel so much better to know that God does not want us to suffer.