Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Last Words

Always remember that the words you speak to someone may be the last words that they ever hear from you.

On Thursday evening, July 21st, at my brother-in-law's wake in New Jersey, I sat down on a chair next to my brother, Charlie, just before he and Marty and their wives left to go home.
I kissed Charlie on his cheek and told him I would call him next Thursday.  We had been speaking quite a bit on the phone lately about medical issues and also about our upcoming trip to Italy, planned for this Fall. 

Two days later, Charlie went to sit down in a plastic molded chair in his neighbor's backyard. The chair fell backwards and Charlie hit the back of his head on some concrete.  He was able to walk into the house, but had a headache and some nausea and an ambulance was called.   He was brought to the closest hospital and a CAT scan was taken which showed a subdural bleed.   The Neuro Surgeon looked at the scan and prepared the OR.  But, after speaking to Charlie and observing how alert and oriented he was, the Surgeon canceled the surgery.  He understood that there were tremendous risks to a surgical procedure since Charlie was on Plavix and aspirin (for previously placed coronary artery stints).
The plan was that Charlie was going to stay in the hospital in order to be closely observed.   He told his wife and my brother and sister-in-law that there was no need for them to stand around the hospital all night, they should go home and get some sleep.  In his usual, laid-back manner he said, "we'll see what happens".   A couple of hours later, Charlie became non-responsive due to the increased intracranial pressure that was building up inside his skull.  His wife, Ellen, was called back to the hospital to sign a consent for emergency surgery.   The first surgical procedure was deemed a success.  It would just be a day or two before Charlie regained consciousness.   Then he began to bleed and the intracranial pressure sky-rocketed.   Another surgery was performed.  After-wards, we sat around a "crying room" as the Neuro Surgeon told us that he "used every hemostatic agent in the hospital" in an attempt to stop the bleeding.   Sadly nothing worked.
Charlie's heart stopped beating at 8:35AM on Saturday morning, July 30, 2011 as we (Marty, my Dad & I) ended the rosary with this petition, " Dear Lord, if he is not going to recover, then please take Charlie swiftly to Your Bosom."






A Friend Shared this Poem With Me

Is it OK to Cry?
by Paul Leaman

Is it ok to cry,
When our loved ones die?
Is it ok to grieve,
When they through death leave?

Is it wrong to shed a tear,
When they are no longer near?
Should we try to be strong,
And act like they're not really gone?

Jesus didn't chide Mary when she cried,
When her brother Lazarus died;
In fact Jesus was grieved and cried too,
Yet He knew what He would do.

He knew He would raise Lazarus again,
And still He grieved for His friend;
No, it's not wrong to cry,
When loved ones say goodbye.
 
Thank You for your kind and supportive words and prayers

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Something my son shared with me

This is a quote that my son recently shared with me to help me get through my horrendous grief and sorrow.  I came across it again tonight while going through my e-mails and decided I needed to remind myself and share it with others. 

On Happiness
"The way to experience ultimate happiness is to let go of all worries and regrets, and to know that being happy is the most satisfying of life's feelings. Reflect back on all the progress in your life and allow the positive, creative and joyous thoughts to outshine and overwhelm any sorrow or grief that may linger in the recesses of your mind. Knowing that disease and disaster are natural parts of life is the key to overcoming adversity with a calm and happy spirit. Happiness is waiting there in front of you. Only you can decide whether or not you choose to experience it. Take this to heart.
Toshitsugu Takamatsu"

My Family is Broken

I can't believe how broken I feel.  What is wrong with me?  All I do is cry and when I am not crying I push myself to move as if I were a robot.   The world does not seem real or kind.  I do not remember ever feeling this sad.   Why am I such a baby?  Other people have lost loved ones and they survive, so what in God's name is wrong with me?   I feel alone and separated from my family.  I am hurting so much, the pain is visceral.  My whole family is hurting and each person is reacting in different ways and I am useless to reach out or comfort anyone else.  I'm acting weird; I'm even sleeping with "Honey", my little stuffed, worn-out puppy from my childhood.  Maybe they should take me away.  In fact being taken away sounds OK about now.
How will I get through the weekend?  I will have to pretend that I am an actor in a play.   I will have to plaster a smile on my face and put one foot in front of the other and beg God for help.   Life is not the same and it will never be the same again.  This earth is barren and vacant without Charlie.
Mary Beth

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My dear brother, Charlie, died

How can this be true?
I am way too sad to write.  The energy is gone out of me. The pain is severe.