Kissing Tom Jones

Kissing Tom Jones 

Once again I woke up at 3 AM last night experiencing the usual aches and pains and a neck pull from lifting an awkward shaped box containing Christmas wrap.  

I decided that if I didn’t get up at all - not even to pee -  ( our Ladies allowed to say “pee” ) that, maybe, possibly,  I’d fall back to sleep without medicating myself. No Tylenol, no Advil with a side of cereal ( can’t tolerate Advil at all on an empty stomach), no Lorazepam (Ativan), no gas pills or 

Tums - nothing. So I finally fall back to sleep “cold turkey”.   In the ensuing dream I was at a bar/pick up joint.  There were three or four guys standing at the bar and a guy sitting by himself on a high stool not too far away from the bar.   I walked over to him and we started talking. The guys nearby observed us as they talked among themselves. Eventually, the guy on the stool opened his legs and pulled me closer to him. I worried a bit for a minute or two not wanting to get too close to his manhood.  When we were face to face and eye to eye, I realized it was none other than Tom Jones! You remember, he is the guy who sang, “ It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone”.  So after a little while, he kisses me on the lips a couple of times and I think, “ It isn’t a horrible kiss, but nothing to write home about either.”   Then I question myself, “Why am I kissing this guy?”  I was never a very big Tom Jones fan ( Now if it was Elvis it would have been a totally different story ).  It doesn’t take me long to realize I am probably kissing him simply because he is “Tom Jones”.  I am influenced in my decision making by the fact that he is a famous singer.  Even in my dream I’m disappointed in myself!  So before much time passes I have to use the Ladies Room ( remember I never peed when I woke up at 3 AM), but the toilet is out of order with tape across the seat ( you know just like what you see at a crime scene). I have to go so badly that I contemplate pulling back the tape and using it anyway ( naughty, right? ).  I decide against this option and look quickly for another restroom but the other two are in use. “I guess I’ll just have to leave and go home”, I think.  In order to get home I have to travel through a rather “bad” neighborhood and I’m all alone.  I go back to “good old” Tom Jones  and explain my situation to him and ask if he minds driving me me home.  The Bum gives me some lame excuse which pisses me off and makes me feel used. After all he was just kissing me and acting like he cared about me! Besides, he probably has a chauffeur and limousine, he could have employed.  

The guys at the bar step up to the plate and say they are getting ready to leave anyway and I can hop in the SUV with one of them and they’ll drop me at home.  For some reason there are several SUVs and the guys jump in and get ready to leave when I announce that I can’t possibly “ hold it in” until I get home to use the bathroom and would they please be so kind as to wait a minute while I run back in the joint to pee.  They say “ yes”, but when I get back out to the street they are gone and I am left there all alone.   Next time, I’ll get out of bed.